Anniversary

I was always taken by this feeling of eagerness, to be out here. I could feel my heart tighten when I’d see pictures of people traveling or living abroad, longing to be one of them. It’s not like home life wasn’t good, I have a great relationship with my family, but it was like that itch in your back that you can’t quite reach and I knew that I needed to find my path. It was 2019, I had just graduated, was single and without taking any clients, I was free to go, to scratch my itch.

I felt overwhelmed with the possibilities, but Europe would be a nice place o start. Brussels looked like a obvious option, I’d have help from my cousin, a place to stay and a job, but didn’t feel that my heart was settled with the idea, until one night I had a dream that brought me the sense of purpose that I was looking for. In a dream I bought a ticket to go to London and that was all I could remember when I woke up, but “when the mystery is too overpowering, one dare not to disobey”, as Antoine de Saint Exupéry put it, and overcome with a feeling of certainty over my next steps, I got my ticket to London, and on the 26th February, 2019 I landed in the UK, 7 years from today.

I stayed in London for the year until November, 2020, where I worked as a cleaner, a waitress, an extra, a nursery assistant and, when the pandemic came, unemployment. I came from a bigger city than London, but it was home, where I knew where to go, I had my family and friends around and suddenly I was alone, within a phone call from friends and family, but lacking the physical interaction that I’ve grown so used to having, being raised up with three other siblings in an affectionate Brazilian family. Sometimes you need to step outside your comfort zone to get in contact with different parts of yourself, I felt loneliness, homesickness and would cry at every video of my nephews and niece. One of the challenges about moving is not the move itself, but try to explain your decision to other, when the heart speak and words feel insufficient. I kept on finding, within myself the feeling of being on the path that is right for me, it gave me strength in moments of tiredness, and hope, when lights felt dim, so that I could keep moving.

In London I found what I thought it was love and in 2021 we moved together to Bristol, both unemployed, living in a mouldy studio flat and without much money, that’s when loneliness first took its more serious toll of me. I was surrounded by a deep fog and for about three months, I struggled to navigate my emotions. I find companionship in music and after finding jobs and eventually moving houses, things started to fall into place. I studied massage and started belonging to this small community of students that was my balsam of love and a place to recharge every month.

Plans don’t always go as plan an life brought us to Sussex within less than a year, where my relationship had its last trial, and failed after two years. I experienced loneliness again, but this time it came accompanied by grief. Being in a long term relationship was the most challenging thing I’ve ever done, having to actively choose to be with someone every day and work on the relationship when things get difficult, but grief was the saddest that I’ve ever felt. Grief is a lonely process that involves a lot of silence, and intimacy with the people around you to allow yourself to feel it, I’ll still write a full text on grief, so for now all I will say is that, grief is a mixture of emotions that you didn’t even know you could feel, is love that leaks, and it hurts. Grief will never go away, it will be forever a part of who I am, but for the first year and a half, grief was something that would paralyze me.

Seven years… it feels like it was only yesterday that I left home, but yesterday feel far away as so much has happened. The kids have grown so much and I have change in so many ways. Last year was the first year where I didn’t moved houses, didn’t move jobs and now, finally, I’m starting to feel a little bit more settled, the roots slowly starting to grow and the weariness is slowly starting to fade. Connections are still not the same as they were back home, but at my own pace, I’m starting to find my place, and England doesn’t feel as lonely anymore. Now it’s time to focus on my professional development.

Wish me luck